My husband, Rick, and I recently welcomed our first little baby girl, Penelope Joy, into the world in October! I’ve been asked many times how I’m doing and while there is certainly truth to when I smile and say, “Good! Tired but good.” there is still something hidden underneath all of that.
As good ole Delores Umbridge makes Harry Potter state, “I must not tell lies” — motherhood is hard. It’s harder than I expected. Things don’t come as naturally as I thought they would. I don’t feel joyful 24/7. In fact, with all the fluctuating hormones, catching mastitis a couple of times, and the sleep deprivation, I feel quite ugly a lot of the times.
Let me first backtrack: Our delivery story is one I’d like to eventually share here but it wasn’t exactly what we had planned. Rick and I “planned” (because you can only plan so much) to have our baby as naturally as possible. We knew that something could change and that would alter our plans and we were okay with that. Three and a half to four weeks before our due date, we were told by our doctor that we were on a good track to have an unmedicated, natural birth. I wasn’t dilated at all…so we went home thinking we had 3ish - 4ish more weeks to prepare for baby girl. Much to our surprise, 3 weeks and 1 day before our due date, we delivered little Penelope Joy via emergency c-section. Side note: Our medical team that early morn deserves big batches of Christmas cookies because they were awesome and sooooo helpful.
It was traumatic.
I wouldn’t trade it for the world because both Penelope and I are safe and healthy and I’d do it again if I had to.
Being cut open (sorry for the frankness), trying to nurse my newborn (if you’re a nursing momma, you know — ouch), experiencing different and intense levels of pain and/or discomfort every time I’d move or shift or even pick up my baby, “sleeping when the baby sleeps” is a cruel joke, and all the new mom anxieties was a lot to tack on in one go (or so it felt like). Rick and I hadn’t even finished planning his paternity leave (planning to leave for an extended period of time when you work in ministry is not easy). So over the weeks, Rick popped in and out of his office, which meant I was solo-parenting for a couple of hours here and there. Family wanted to come meet the new baby, which obviously, I would want to as well. But it was just a lot.
Behind the pain and discomfort and obvious lack of sleep, I was wrestling with myself: shame, guilt, embarrassment, confusion, anxiety, resentment, frustration, impatience.
Oh man, did I feel ugly.
I felt like the worst of the worst. I doubted every part of me. I asked God why he would trust me with a precious child. I questioned God why he would give me such a loving and servant husband. I cried to God why he wasn’t granting me more joy in caring and sacrificing for my child.
And for a few weeks there, I was okay with being this way. I was okay with being angry all the time. I was okay with sitting in the lies that I was a bad mom because Penelope crying was just an on-going confirmation that I was (in my head). I was okay with being jealous that my husband got to sleep a little bit more or that he got to get out of the apartment without thinking of pumping or a diaper bag. I was okay with staying in the ugly.
It wasn’t until I started to see more and more ads for Christmas decor or Christmas events or Christmas deals did I start to reflect on what I’d like to do with Penelope as she grows up during this season. I started to ask myself about Advent and what Advent traditions we could start in our family. And sure, I was asking myself that basic question, “What is the reason for the season?”
In my ugliness, I answered, “Jesus, duh.”
Excuse me while I scoff at my past self.
I knew I couldn’t allow myself to sit there in such a shallow answer. Of course the reason is Jesus! Of course it’s all about him! But how do I explain to my daughter the meat of it?
Why does Jesus come?
Because I need him.
I remember taking a step back, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and seeing the muck my heart was buried in. I took a look at all this build up. My last confession was about a week prior to delivering Penelope and here I was only weeks out of that with so much vileness around and in my heart. While yes, my hormones had a lot to do with it, and I can’t control that, the one thing I can control is the way that I react to my hormones fluctuating and feeling something but not reacting disorderedly. I didn’t and I don’t want to stay in such a state.
I asked myself a question, “Do I accept that I need Jesus?” Because I realized that if I don’t begin there, the reason for Advent and the reason for Christmas, the meat of the two seasons, would be lost on me.
I can’t be strong enough. I can’t be brave enough. I can’t be patient enough. I can’t be compassionate enough. I can’t be understanding enough. I can’t know enough. I can’t be happy enough. I can’t love enough.
Not without Jesus.
Heck, I’d argue that I can’t do any of those at all. Not on my own volition at least.
“I do, Jesus! I do!” I feel like my heart sang this.
I desperately need Jesus. I can’t change on my own. I can’t rise on my own. I can’t become holy on my own. I can’t parent on my own. I can’t love on my own.
But accepting that I need Jesus is a moment to moment prayer.
This is my prayer this Advent as we wait for precious, adorable Jesus. And he comes to us so perfectly — a humble, needy baby. The Lord of Lords, King of Kings comes to us as a humble and needy baby…because he knows. He knows that I desperately need him to pull me out of my ugliness. He knows that I desperately need him to show me how to love when it’s 4am and my baby is crying. He knows that I desperately need him to heal my heart from jealousy so I can be joyful and grateful for the ways my husband gets to enjoy life. He knows that I am lowly and that I need him.
But I have to accept that in every moment.
Can I humble myself to recognize how, like my newborn daughter, needy I am?
Lord Jesus, have mercy on me, a sinner.
This is where I’ll be for a while, I think. That’s okay. I’ll take this humble pie and roll with it because the Lord is greater than any of my sins and any amount of ugliness.
*Cue “Lord, I Need You” by Matt Maher.
May God bless you and keep you.
Jesus, Mary & Joseph, pray for us!
Pax,
Delaine